Yeah...that's how I feel, like this cat in the picture :). I'll start by mentioning that I'm aware that I'm the one who creates the reality I live in, that I'm responsible for what happened to me, but I still don't know how to heal my childhood traumas, traumas that are still very much alive 35 years later. I'm working on them, but until I manage to heal them, I'll tell you about this year's Christmas, what "joys" it brought me and give you explanations for each "joy" so that you don't panic if you also face them.
Let's start: around 2003, that is, many years ago, my mother, forced by the fact that she lost her job, accepted the position of maternal assistant for a disabled and mentally retarded little girl, the "little girl" who is now 23 years old. My mother retired about 5 years ago, but they decided, mostly under pressure from my father, to keep the contract until this person finishes high school (she attended a kind of vocational high school where people with disabilities are also accepted). So far, everything is fine... except that my mother is exhausted and needs a break and my father is the one who is putting pressure on me to keep the contract because he needs money... for his needs, which are not for the family.
This situation, combined with the fact that we have a large household, with animals that don't really allow us to travel, has led us to the situation where I see my mother only 2 times a year and then only for 2-3 days, each time tired, mentally exhausted because physically taking care of such a person is not easy, I won't go into detail. In addition, this person is a very difficult one, my mother has a hard time dealing with her, she doesn't listen to her, if she goes out with her somewhere, she hits people on the street, screams, she doesn't want to come home except when she wants, on the road she wants... well, a difficult situation. I wish my parents would spend more time with us, especially with their grandson because I'm effectively counting the days they've spent with him in the 9 years he's been around.
My father is a difficult man, he gets angry easily, loses a lot of money on his vices, has a lot of frustrations, reacts violently, doesn't know how to behave like a grandfather, doesn't know how to tell stories or play. Among the few relationships he had with his nephew, he accused him of intentionally throwing a slipper at his head, given that the child, at 6 years old at the time, was playing with puppies, throwing slippers and the father happened to be around. The father has major communication problems, very low emotional intelligence, sometimes lies and blames others and behaves like a kindergarten child. I think you have made up your mind and I won't insist anymore...
On December 21st, when all my conflicts started, I received a phone call. The screen said "mom", but it was dad who greeted me and didn't say anything. I thought something had happened to him, that something had happened, I didn't know why he wasn't talking. He told me that everything was OK, he was just sitting by the phone and waiting to pretend to be Santa Claus!! I thought I hadn't heard correctly...he told me that he had to speak loudly and loudly as if Santa Claus were coming and in the meantime mom had to quickly go put presents under the tree for "their daughter" who was only 23 years old. I was left "mute", remember the expression because because of this I have been coughing continuously for 7 days. We said goodbye and hung up without being able to believe what I was hearing. My eyes went black and I felt my stomach ache from nerves.
A few minutes later, my mother called me and explained that they had called me by mistake while they were doing a Santa Claus skit. I couldn't find the words to express my anger. They don't have money for gifts for their grandson (except for what my mother puts aside without my father knowing, otherwise he takes it and spends it too), they have a hard time managing money even though they have 3 very good sources of income that would allow them to live very well (also because of his absurd expenses and the debts he is struggling with), they don't have time to tell their grandson stories, they don't have time to come visit us, but for a 23-year-old stranger they have money for gifts and time to do embarrassing Santa Claus skits. My mother told me that she was in the middle and was too exhausted to explain. The girl they are raising is very difficult and is capable of blowing her mother's brains out for days on end if all her whims are not met.
Since the evening of December 21st, a long series of conflicts began for me and I will explain them to you one by one:
- left tonsil pain - I could hardly swallow anything - only the left. The explanation: "I have something/a piece of food stuck in my throat and I can't swallow". It refers to both real situations, but also imaginary ones, as was the case with me. I simply couldn't swallow the situation. On the right is another conflict - "I want to get a bite (real or imaginary) and I don't get it. The pain occurs because the tonsils are getting bigger. The longer the conflict lasts, the more the tonsils grow and the more it hurts. When the conflict is over, the extra tissue that has grown falls apart. Pus may appear if the conflict has been going on for a long time. Antibiotics only stop the healing process, a process that is resumed when the body has eliminated them. So... when the pain appears, urgently resolve the conflict.
- dry cough that has been going on for 7 days and 6 nights and has not gone away yet. Dry cough has 3 possible causes: 1. strong fright that affects the larynx (this is not my case here), 2. conflict of loss of territory (this is not the case) that is felt in the lungs because it affects the bronchi and 3. conflict of very strong unpleasant surprise, "I was left speechless" that affects all the larynx - obviously my case; the situation surprised me very, very unpleasantly, I got extremely angry. I have written about dry cough here, here, and here before, but with other causes. The cough is the healing phase, the sensitivity of the throat being given by the tissue that is balancing.
- digestion stopped for about 3 days - I ate with difficulty because I wasn't really hungry, everything I ate felt like it was falling into my stomach like a boulder, I felt a lot of air coming back up my throat, I ate some marinated fish one morning and by evening I still had it in my stomach, I could taste marinated fish in my throat; the digestive system from the mouth to the intestines is affected by anger conflicts. The strange thing is that on day 4 I felt the need to eat boiled egg yolks, without the white. I felt like I was doing well, probably the body was asking for protein to recover and I ate 4-5 at a time.
- broken tooth - on the right side, the partner's side (by partner this time I mean my father), I being right-handed I have a pretty hard perforated tooth from which a piece broke off from the anger conflict. Teeth are affected when we want to bite someone, in his case I wanted to grind them into the masses of nerves. A corner of my mouth broke so badly that I could feel it cutting my tongue when I swallowed. At 3 in the morning I would file my mouth with a small manual file because I couldn't sleep - I could feel it scratching my tongue when I was lying down;
- bitter taste in my mouth after 3 days when I felt digestion starting again and I started to feel hungry - bile is affected by conflicts of anger and indignation. Do I need to explain any further? My bile had finally recovered from the conflict.
- some snot - sniffing conflict, I sniffed the situation to better understand what was happening. I wrote about the appearance of snot here and here - there is no point in going into detail again.
After a week I still have a dry cough, quite annoying and some snot. To give you an idea of how "mute" I am left by the situation. I am sad, disappointed, my anger and indignation have passed. At Christmas I refused to call home to wish anything, I didn't feel up to it.
What do I do now... I'm waiting for everything to pass and I started making affirmations to give a positive note to the situation - "I am grateful that I have good parents who love me, appreciate me and have time for me" - The Universe will hear me and will give me the things I am grateful for... I am still sad, but I feel a little better after this affirmation.
Good health to everyone and thank you for reading such a long post!
Geo
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